Jurassic World crack, or why i should be hired to write JP movies
by Lieju
Summary: I wrote this based mostly on the trailers and also the LEGO sets. I called Chris Pratt's character just by his name because I couldn't be arsed to check his name. I do know the names of the raptors though, which shows where my priorities lie, I suppose. Word Count: 3000 Warnings: Crack, Pratt getting hugged.


(EDIT:) Like I said I based this on trailers and the LEGO sets (which are awesome). So apparently Claire is not a Science Lady but an Executive Lady but whatever.

* * *

Chris Pratt was just hanging around his cabin feeding squirrels when the Science Lady came to visit him.

"Come here Chris Pratt I want to talk science at you," said the Science Lady.

"No, I don't want to talk science I'm a manly man of the wilds. I eat what the nature gives me. Like wood."

"That was paper."

Chris crossed his arms. "Paper is made of wood."

The science lady crossed her arms even harder than him. "It was your employee evaluation. You ate it because I wrote you were a twat."

"I eat lies for breakfast," Pratt countered.

Delta, one of the raptors looked out of the cabin window. "Human mating rituals are weird."

Echo looked up from her book, sneering. "They're not flirting. Surely not. Them? No."

Delta slapped the scarred raptor jovially. "Pretty sure. Did you see how he crossed his arms? They grow up so fast."

Blue raised her head. "Wait, _our_ Chris? With _her_?"

Charlie sighed. "Blue, it's totally normal, at his age-"

Blue squinted her eyes, pushing at the window. "What about that nice Gallimimus? I thought they were seeing each other and she has very good career prospects... Almost a leader of her pack, at that age!"

"They weren't seeing each other," Charlie pointed out. "Chris took her out once, they went on a walk-"

"She brought him a dead rat. One which he didn't eat, I thought we raised him better. So if she thought he was being rude because he's such a picky eater-"

"You know he's a bit... He faces challenges we don't. Have you seen his teeth? At least with this lady they can both..." Charlie stopped presumably to wonder what humans ate. "Drink water."

Blue watched the Science Lady leave. "Charlie, don't encourage him."

"Why not?"

"It's _weird!_ I mean, she's a _human_!"

Charlie tsked. "Technically, Chris is too."

Blue cocked her head. "I guess..."

They were interrupted by the human walking in. "Hi! How are my favourite girls? I brought treats!"

"Dried meat I bet," Echo mumbled but sat up. "And I bet he didn't bring me the newest volume of my yuri manga again."

"He tries," Delta hissed. "It's not his fault he is a bit... Simple."

"So, you brought us anything to read?" Blue asked, jumping at the human, curious.

He took a step back, lifting his arms above his head. "Hey hey hey! Take it easy."

Blue rolled her eyes.

Slowly, Chris took something from her pocket. "You want candy? Hm?"

"Well not reall-"

Chris stuffed the piece of dried meat in his mouth. "I eat first. Me, Alpha."

Blue raised a worried eyebrow at the human gagging a bit. "Uh, you got it all down! Good boy!"

Suddenly Chris's phone rang. "Alpha dude speaking."

"Oh God," could be heard from the line.

"Oh hello, Science Lady," Chris said.

"Tell her hi," Charlie said.

"You need to stop playing with your raptor friends and come to the main building place," she said. "This is important."

"Sure, I have other important things to do, like read my e-mail, possibly while being shirtless."

"I literally don't care. Just get your ass here in the big science building." She added, as if recalling a past event that had taught her not to assume he was joking: "Wear a shirt for God's sake. And pants."

Chris walked to the computer. "I guess I should read my e-mail."

He stared at the screen. "I must have been more drunk than I thought last night. I don't remember writing fanfiction about children's cartoons."

Echo coughed suspiciously.

He ignored it. "I do recall marathoning cartoons though and crying over Lapis Lazuli's fate..."

"Lapis and Peridot belong together!" Echo said.

"Echo..."

"I got some very good reviews on it, actually-" She argued. "I think I want to be a writer."

She stared at their human trying to close down the computer, somehow clicking on three ads in the process, downloading two viruses, and taking ten minutes to find the off-button on Windows 8.

"I could write an autobiographical story about a pack of clever girls who find a clueless human and adopt him as their own."

* * *

The Science Lady scowled. "You brought your pets with you?"

"That's racist!" Delta noted behind Chris. "We're not pets. Well, Chris might count..."

Pratt pouted in the way that made all the raptors want to cuddle him. "I brought my posse, what of it?"

"I think that one growled at me!"

Chris whispered. "Science Lady, don't undermine my authority in front of my girls."

"Girls?" Delta huffed. "We're older than you in raptor years."

"That one definitely growled!" some background scientist said.

"Relax, I got it all under control, we have a relationship," Pratt explained.

Blue said: "Oh dear, is he going to-"

Chris pulled a feathery headdress from somewhere. "You see, I'm the alpha."

He put the hat on. "This is my alpha hat."

Some of the scientists in the back stared. The Science Lady looked like she had seen this before and had learned to ignore it in the hopes it'd end sooner that way.

Pratt turned to his audience. "You see, with this colourful plumage I'm communicating to my pack that I am the Alpha. The head honcho, if you will."

"God, Chris, don't embarrass me in front of the scientists," Echo hissed. "If they think I'm cool I can maybe hang out here."

"You just want to use their computers and the Internet to download anime," Delta said.

"A perfectly valid goal," Echo pointed out.

"Hey, hey, eyes on me," Pratt said, waving his arms.

"Yes, yes, your hat is very pretty," Charlie said. "Red really is your colour."

"Chris, is this really the time for this?" Blue asked.

"He enjoys it," Charlie said. "Let the boy have his fun."

She walked to Chris. "Whose a pretty boy? You are!"

The human made vague hand gestures. "Down, Charlie."

The raptor took the suggestion, laying on her back. "Bellyrubs?"

The human yelped as the raptor took him into a raptor hug, and licked his face.

"Yes, now that we have that done and over with-" The Science Lady said. "We actually asked you here for a reason."

Chris struggled up from raptor hugs. "I didn't do it. I'd never illegally download cart-"

"We made a dinosaur."

"Yeah, I've sort of noticed..?"

"No," she corrected him. "This was genetically modified."

"As are we all," Echo pointed out. "I mean, no feathers, for one thing-"

"We took the DNA from many dinosaurs and some modern species to make the ultimate killer dinosaur. Then we called her Killersaurus." The Scientist Lady pointed at the image on the screen.

"So," Delta said, "you decide to make the ultimate perfect dinosaur, and make her _white_ , hm, isn't that a bit racist?"

"We made her supercool, with cool genes and she has also horns all over her, and red eyes," the Scientist Lady explained. "But something went wrong."

"I can see that," Echo pointed out. "Still no feathers."

"She escaped."

"How?"

She shook her head in regret. "We made something too smart for us. We knew she could open doors, but we could never predict she would manipulate us into opening her enclosure door."

"You mean?"

"Yes, she _knocked_."

Chirs shook his head. "You have played God. Also I can totally think of a killer knock knock joke."

"She ate the guy who opened her the door."

"Might not be the most appropriate joke then. Remind me to tell it later."

"We want you to find her," The Science Lady said, when she was interrupted by an alarm.

"All the dinosaurs are on the loose," a voice over the intercom said. "There is something on the rampage and-"

"I will track this thing," Chris declared and ran to his motorcycle. "And then I do stuff!"

"Chris, your helmet!" Blue yelled after him. "It's dangerous to go without a helmet!"

Suddenly a pterosaur flew in, picked up Chris Pratt and flew away with him.

"Hey! Give our Chris back!" Charlie yelled after them.

"I bet this wouldn't have happened if he'd worn a helmet," Blue said.

The Scientist Lady sighed. "I guess I need to fix this. Again."

She eyes the raptors. "Umh..."

"We're going after him," Echo said. "Team-up?"

The human offered a nervous hand to pat her head. "You're not going to eat me, are you? Okay then."

* * *

The Science Lady followed the four raptors staring at the device in her hand. "I knew putting that tracking device on him would come in handy! So, uh… It seems he is being carried to where we keep the Dilophosauruses? Odd. I'd think the Pterodactyl took him to their nesting site."

"It's all because that boy is so scrawny," Blue muttered. "Never eats well! A picky eater, mister 'oh, my food needs to be cooked'!"

"That's unfair," Charlie pointed out. "I mean, have you seen his teeth?"

"You're right, I was unfair," Blue admitted. "I'm just worried."

"We all are," Delta said.

"It's not that I don't trust you and all," The Scientist Lady said, "But I think-"

They stepped to the clearing, and gasped in unison. Dead Brachiosauruses everywhere.

"Oh God," the Science Lady said. "She's hunting for sport."

"Do you think Chris is all right?" Delta asked. "He must be, right? I mean he wouldn't even offer you that much sport, he can't even run properly without his bike-"

"Calm down," Blue said. "He's fine, I know it."

The Science Lady stared. "Oh God, he wasn't completely full of shit, you are talking to one another..."

They continued their trek, ignoring the screaming guests escaping from rampaging dinosaurs.

Blue waved at a Gallimimus running past. "See her? Had Chris played his cards right he could be leading a rampage with her right now, instead of being Chrisnapped who knows where!"

"It seems the Killersaurus has set all dinosaurs free," The Scientist Lady said. "I'm not sure this is safe..."

"We're close," Echo assured her.

Blue knocked on the enclosure door, muttering to herself. "I'm not looking forward to dealing with _her_..."

There was no answer, and it took only a short detour for them to get to the Dilophosaurus enclosure.

"Man,this place is a mess," Blue commented.

"Well excuse me!" came a frustrated call. "It wasn't me who ran amock here!"

Blue nodded at the Dilophosaurus who emerged from the bushes. "Hi. You're sure it didn't look like this before?"

"I am positively shivering! First that absolute beast wrecks the place, then the Pterosaurs come here to nest! And you know what I say about Pterosaurs, nothing against them, but they aren't proper dinosaurs, and now they've come here, and-"

She flapped her neck frills. "I think I'm going to hyperventilate!"

"The pterosaurs are here?" Charlie asked. "Why?"

"As if they need a reason! Just look at my garden, ruined!"

They left the Dilophosaurus to her work, trying to replant her azaleas.

The Science Lady pointed up. "The pterosaurs are gathering!"

Suddenly she could feel herself pushed to the ground, and yelped.

She pushed Echo off of her. "You attacke-"

She noticed the Pterosaur who had tried to attack her.

"Hey! Leave our humans alone!" Echo yelled.

The pterosaur flew off.

"You... saved me?" The Science Lady said.

Before Echo could respond they found themselves surrounded by pterosaurs.

"Stop this!" Blue yelled. "What are you up to!?"

One of the pterosaurs, a Pteranodon, hopped forward, eyes on the human hiding behind Echo.

"Up to? You always assumed we were _up to_ something anyway, didn't you?"

"She didn't mean it like that," Delta said. "But why are you here?"

"We have been set free!" Pteranodon screeched. "She came to us, offering to break our chains. She is not 'real' dinosaur either, she has the DNA of many creatures, she will unify us all, and for once those who dismissed us as fakers will pay!"

"She?" Blue asked. "She is killing dinosaurs! It's only a matter of time before she'll turn against you!"

"She won't! She needs us, we deliver her what she desires."

"Like our human? I can smell he used to be here! If you've as much as touched a strand of hair of his-"

The pterosaur who had spoken was startled, and retreated to her kind. They had a hushed exchange.

"They're talking about him?" was all the raptors could hear.

The pterosaurs broke off, suddenly flying away.

"I'm not sure what she would want us to do, but I tell you this. She has gone to challenge the previous queen of this island, and then we got the word she wanted the human-thing there, so if you want him back," she grinned. "Take it to your new ruler."

"Sheesh, are all pterosaurs this fanatic or what?" Charlie said. "A queen? I don't remember voting for her."

"You do know who she meant though," Echo pointed out. "The T-rex."

* * *

"I suggest we take the train to the T-rex enclosure," The Science Lady suggested.

However, they were stopped at the door by security. "Hey! Where do you think you're going?"

"I need to get to the T-rex enclosure and quickly!" she said. "And I'll vouch for these four!"

"With all due respect, they're dinosaurs. And we're sorta having to problem of dinosaurs running around eating people."

She stared at him. "Then let us put a stop to it!"

* * *

The dinosaurs were let out at their stop. Echo leaned on the Science Lady, "Sorry, I always get queasy on trains..."

They sneaked to the T-rex enclosure. It was a mess. Signs of fights everywhere.

"So, who do you think won?" Charlie asked.

"I can smell him!" Blue said.

"Hey, girls! Thanks GOD you're here!"

"Chris!" The Science Lady said. "Are you okay?"

At first she couldn't spot him, but soon noticed he was sitting high up in a tree in a some kind of nest.

"Of course I'm not!" he said.

"Sorry, a stupid question."

"Do you have a portable computer?" Pratt asked.

"What? Shouldn't we get you down from... That hammock or whatever it is..."

But Echo took out her I-Phone and threw it at Chris.

"Ow! Could have done with out aiming to the head, but thanks... Oh thank God, there's wi-fi. Now I have Facebook and Netflix!"

"Is that really that important? We need to get you down there!"

"Um, no."

The rescue party stared at him. "What?"

Chris pointed to something he could see from his vantage point. "That whole Killersaurus issue? Taken care of. Take a look over there, although, hm, I should probably warn you-"

"I'll check it out," Blue said, and Science Lady followed her.

They stopped to stare. "D-do you suppose they're fighting?"

"Oh, I guess... not."

They returned soon, beet-red. "They are-"

"It turned out," Chris said, "That the missing ingredient from your little DNA cocktail was love."

"So now there's two of them!"

There was a loud crash and the Killersaurus and slightly smaller T-rex entered the clearing. "What are you doing!" The hybrid dinosaur roared.

"It's cool, mom," Chris said. "These are my friends."

"MOM!?" The Science Lady said.

"Yeah, they're a really nice lesbian killer dinosaur couple once you get to know them," he said.

Killersaurus ruffled his hair. "Aww, isn't he the most precious thing?"

"You're _adopted_ by them?" Blue stared.

"I was a bit hesitant at first, but now that I have Netflix and if you could occasionally throw me some burgers up here, I'm just happy."

T-rex stared at her partner's eyes. "I never thought I'd find true love, but I did."

Killersaurus returned the stare. "Me neither. I have decided, we need to reform the way dinosaurs and non dinosaurs treat each other."

She gave a kiss to her adopted son. "Who's a cutie-pie?"

The Science Lady meanwhile was staring at Echo. She took out an I-pad, and handed it to the raptor.

"What?" Echo asked. She read the text written by the human. _Can you read?_

The raptor responded. _Of course I can. I write, even! I got hundreds of followers on AO3 and !_

The human's eyes widened. "Oh."

 _You write? You wouldn't happen to be the echo-of-clever-gurl?_

The raptor returned her gaze. _The-first-lady-of science?_

 _I loved your Lapidot fic, and even more your ChellDOS stuff, about two different beings coming together to-_

Echo averted her eyes. _Your review was spot on though, I hurried with the romance and wrote GLaDOS OOC..._

They were interrupted by a call from up:"So, those burgers..?"

* * *

Months later, humans and dinosaurs, and pterosaurs and mosasaurs alike were gathered at the newly repaired centre.

Killersaurus and T-rex stopped at the altar, both wearing veils.

John Hammond coughed. "So, dearly beloved, we are gathered here to witness the union of two women, who..."

Chris got too excited and almost started throwing rice too soon before Blue stopped him.

"Look how happy Mom and Mommy look!" he cried tears of happiness.

He suddenly found himself in a group hug by the raptors. "We promise, we come to visit you!" Blue said.

"Yeah, it's not like it'll be just the four of us now, right?" Delta said.

Charlie gave a side glance at Echo and the Science Lady who were huddled together in a discussion through their I-phones. "Hm, maybe we'll be just three soon... Or maybe five..."

And when the bouquet was thrown, Echo was completely prepared to catch it.

She jumped at her chosen prey and brought the bouquet down.

It was laid on Science Lady's feet. "So, um, I know you like to eat... crass-like things..."

The human picked the flowers and smiled.

"I think we have time to figure out the details, but yes, my answer is yes."

And so on life went on, Chris loved his two lesbian killerdino moms, raptors and Science Lady kept visiting them, and eventually Echo married the Science Lady and Chris got a headache trying to figure out how they were now all related to each other.

THE END


End file.
